Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize