i would punch a child for taco bell
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
