Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
