how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
