I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
