I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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