I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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