I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
