When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
