and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
