Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
