I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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