wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
