Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
