my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
