i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
