I cannot find my penis.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
