Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
