This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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