You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
