she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
