you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
