mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
