If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
