12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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