and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
