and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
