clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
