Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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