I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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