my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
