We won't sleep together?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
