I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
