She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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