I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize