i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
