I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just pee around me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
