I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
