where am i from again
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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