Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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