I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
