Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
