is your mom at the bar?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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