somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
