when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
