she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
