Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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