The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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