i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
