Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
