Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
