What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
