I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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