my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
