Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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