maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
