I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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