a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
