as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
