what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
