Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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