I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
