Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You ruined the universe
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
